On Wednesday, May 14th my coaching practice will be highlighted during a special segment on Fox News at 9:00 p.m (after American Idol)……I don’t know how it will turn out, but I am hoping for the best!

On Wednesday, June 4th at 7:00 p.m. I will be teaching a class called Mindful Parenting at Elmhurst Yoga Shala in Elmhurst, IL.  We will discuss self awareness, how to slow down your life, how to enjoy the moments, and how to be more present for your children.  Take time for YOU and join me for this discussion…..

Sign up online at http://www.yogashalakids.org/workshops.html or call 630/993-YOGA

When my daughter was born she took to the pacifier immediately. It soothed her in every situation - restaurants, the middle of the night, between feedings, on an airplane. It was her solace and we made sure that we carried it everywhere we went.

The only person who cried that night was me. As I threw that pink pacifier in the garbage, I thanked it for soothing my daughter and allowing her to go within and calm herself. I thanked it for all of the uninterrupted dinners at restaurants, all of the peaceful nights, and all of the plane rides when her ears were popping. I had a great appreciation for its role in my daughter’s life and I am glad she was able to let it go in such a positive way. It was her early childhood companion and now it was time to move onto new things. Goodbye old friend.

Intentional Parenting is in the news! Check out this week’s issue of Newsweek Magazine - in an article titled Discipline: When Kids Attack, Intentional Parenting and the Parent Coaching Institute are cited http://www.blog.nvbxjvz.newsweek.com/blogs/tipsheet /archive/2008/04/05/ discipline-when-kids- attack.aspx

Look for the June issue of Parents Magazine - Intentional Parenting is highlighted in an article about coaching and discipline.

On June 4th at 7:00 p.m. I will be teaching a Mindful Parenting workshop at Elmhurst Yoga Shala in Elmhurst, IL. This class is for parents, new parents, expecting parents, grandparents, or caregivers - basically anyone who is interested in being more present in their own life and in their children’s lives. Sign up at www.elmhurstyogashala.com.

If you are interested in receiving my bi-monthly newsletter, please e-mail at cathycadams@sbcglobal.net and I will add you to the distribution list.

I admit, it is my favorite movie.  When I was a child I dressed up as Dorothy for Halloween three years in a row.  I consistently encourage parents to not push their hopes and dreams on their kids, but deep down I was hoping that my children would enjoy The Wizard of Oz. 

This is a big movie that touches on a lot of different emotions so we introduced it slowly.  About a year ago I read them their first Wizard of Oz book and we followed up with a 30 minute Wizard of Oz cartoon that they still occasionally request.  The books and cartoon made them familiar with the story, but to me, it is the music that makes it so magical.  I found a CD that has all of the songs from the movie and much of the movie dialogue as well.  The girls played it over and over again on the CD player until even I began to tire of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  

After all of this preparation, we decided that it was time to watch the “real” Wizard of Oz (as the girls call it).  As a family we looked at the calendar and we chose a Friday night.  We had two weeks to think about it, talk about it, and get excited for it.  We planned the menu (pizza before the movie, popcorn during, and ice cream at intermission), and we decided that we should wear our pajamas.  In an effort to lessen potential fear, we decided to show the girls the Wizard of Oz movie trailer (which can be easily accessed on the internet) so they could experience the wicked witch and the flying monkeys before the big event.

Every morning the girls would ask how many days until our movie party and we would show them the days on the calendar.  At night in their bunk beds the girls would ask, “is it tomorrow?  Is tomorrow the day?”  They would go to bed giggling and talking about our upcoming family movie date.

When the day came we were all so excited.  It was like seeing the movie for the first time (even though it was my 300^th time) because I would be seeing it through their eyes.  We sat together on the couch with a big blanket.  The pause button came in handy because the girls had plenty of questions (who is that? why is she mean? why is Dorothy crying?).  The food was good and the time together was better.  I swear the girls fell asleep that night with a smile on their face.

I have watched many movies with my family, but this experience highlighted the importance of family time and the benefits of planning it together.  As a family we decided when to watch the movie and we anticipated the date with excitement.  The girls counted down the days and learned how to read the calendar.  We ate together, watched the movie and then spent time discussing what we saw.  We did not answer the phone and we shut down our computers.  This time was special and it was not interrupted by our typical daily experience. 

When my girls play dress up they usually pretend to be one of the fairy tale princesses, but since the movie they have enjoyed dressing up like Glinda and Dorothy.  It has been a pleasant change to see them embody strong and introspective female characters.  The princesses are dependent on their prince, but Dorothy comes to realize that everything she needs is within her power, and Glinda, her influential and caring mentor, helps her discover this truth. 

Sharing this movie gave us a platform to have meaningful conversation and teach valuable lessons.  It has been a pleasure discussing why the witch is mean, why the scarecrow is so helpful, and why Dorothy was scared and sad.  The conversation naturally moved to how to deal with not nice people, what it means to be a friend, and why there is no place like home.

Am I pleased that my children enjoyed this experience and discovered the magic?  Absolutely.  Have they enjoyed everything that I have attempted to share with them? Of course not.  There are many “classic” books that have gone untouched, CDs that have only been played once, museums that have only brought boredom, and classes that they have decided to never sign up for again.  My job as a parent is simply to introduce and provide opportunity, and then the girls are given space to decide what is truly meaningful.  In this case, Oz was a hit.

Movie night and all of the preparation is now a monthly tradition in our house.  The Sound of Music brought the same amount of pleasure, discussion, and singing as The Wizard of Oz.  My husband wants to introduce them to his favorite childhood movie, The Black Stallion, and we are also considering another musical like Mary Poppins.  Really, I don’t think the girls will care.  I think they mostly look forward to the time together.  It is a time when the energy of the house is calm, happy and fun and all of the attention is on them.  That is what they will remember.

Recently I sat with a group of parents as we watched our children take swimming lessons. There was much discussion about the actions and abilities of the children in the pool.

“My daughter is not a good swimmer”“My son needs to kick his legs harder, he’s not even moving!”

Parents often set their sights on fixing what is “broken” rather than witnessing the joy in the present moment. It is important to know that what we focus on grows. If we constantly put our attention on things that bother us, we are going to see more things that bother us. If we begin to focus our attention on strengths and cherish the moments, we are going to have more moments to cherish.

One of my favorite parts about being a parent coach is helping parents focus on the positive attributes of their children. This doesn’t mean that the challenging parts don’t exist. It simply means that if more thought and energy is put toward the things we appreciate and love, these parts will ultimately grow and expand.

When a challenging parenting issue presents itself, healthy venting and interactive parenting discussions can serve a purpose. Discussing issues regarding your child will allow you to release frustration, help you grow as a parent and possibly expand your repertoire of parenting tools. You can learn from other people’s experiences and allow people to support you through what might be a difficult time. While you are dealing with something that you feel has gone wrong, try to keep your eyes open for what is going right.

Shifting your attention to strengths rather than weakness requires effort. Positive attributes need to be discussed, valued and consistently referenced so children are supported in discovering their worth. If your son is not always comfortable performing in front of a group but he can watch and smile, point out his obvious enjoyment. If your daughter is not the best hitter or fielder on the baseball team but she is good at cheering on her teammates, point out her tremendous spirit of support.

Focusing on strengths is very different than parental bragging or “my child is the best” mentality. Comparing your children to other children will not create a healthy sense of self. They will not feel worthy in their accomplishments unless they are better than everybody else. Balanced statements such as, “I can tell you are working hard today” or “It looks like you are really enjoying this activity” are supportive and loving. These statements also demonstrate that you are intently watching and noticing their effort.

If you are unsure of your children’s strengths, spend more time with them. Question them about their interests. When they are actively engaged in play, ask if you can join them. Make family time a priority rather than signing up for 10 activities or 5 playdates a week. When you are on a walk, at the park, or at a sporting event turn your cell phone off so you can watch and participate with your child while they play. Take the time to notice this person growing and developing in front of you.

If you feel like you need new tools to find strengths within your child, consider finding a parenting class, support group, parent coach, therapist, or school professional. There are many people who are trained and available to help you deal with challenges and then shift your focus to what is already working. Even Tiger Woods has a swing coach.

A parent has the opportunity to be their children’s greatest advocate. Confidence grows and thrives when children feel consistent love and acceptance. It is amazing how much fun parenting can be when energy is focused on what is working. Focusing on strengths creates a connected and trusting parent/child relationship that will last through every stage of development.

After experiencing paralyzing ambivalence, I finally decided to have another baby. For a long time I was fearful and stuck, unsure of what was right for my family. Could I handle a bigger family? Was I willing to have a baby after 35? Was I ready to go through morning sickness, pregnancy, and nursing again? After soul searching, journaling, meditation and prayer, I decided to take a step into the unknown. I knew this pregnancy would be different. I had been on a journey of self discovery and I had grown and changed in the last two years.

I wanted to eliminate unnecessary stress from this pregnancy. I gave away all of my pregnancy books that told me how bad I was going to feel and what to “watch out” for each month. I didn’t want to live in fear this time. I decided to enjoy each moment of the experience. The books I chose described pregnancy as a time of joy and childbirth as a healthy, normal process. Rather than avoiding pain through medical intervention, they suggested becoming mentally and physically prepared for the labor experience. The books described natural birth as a rite of passage, a psycho spiritual training ground for mother and child. They touted the health benefits to mother and child and the bond that is formed during the birth process. This was something I wanted to experience.

Pregnancy and birth became my new adventure. My older daughters were born with the help of an epidural in a traditional hospital setting, but I decided that this time I wanted a place that supported a more natural experience. I found an Alternative Birthing Center and a midwife practice. I enlisted the help of my good friend who is a Bradley Instructor and my parent coach who also happens to be a birth doula. They taught me about the birth experience and provided me with tools to help with pregnancy and delivery. They helped me understand that though natural birth was the goal, I needed to be open to whatever might unfold. It’s impossible to be in full control of pregnancy and birth. I began to understand that part of the preparation was knowing when to ask for help. They helped me talk through my fear and they empowered me. I surrounded myself with women who believed I could do this.

This adventure was not just for me, it was for my whole family. My husband became my birth partner and my children experienced my monthly appointments with me. The midwives encouraged me to bring my daughters into the room so they could hear the heartbeat of their new sibling. Sometimes my girls would help by holding the Doppler or holding my hand. Almost nightly my husband and I talked about the pregnancy, our birth plan and our expanding family. He took care of me and he became interested in what I was learning.

As the months went by I became strong and confident. My body felt great and the traditional aches and pains were minor. My mind was stronger and my energy was better. I felt that I was more effective as a mother, a partner, and as a coach. My boundaries were expanding and I was open to taking more risks as a professional. I shared more of my writing, I made myself available for interviews, and I gave more presentations. My pregnancy experience was actually having a positive effect on my career!

As my due date drew near, I felt ready. I had learned about Hypnobirthing and Birthing From Within. I was walking and doing yoga on a daily basis. It was like training for a marathon and I felt prepared. The due date came and went. I was initially frustrated but eventually humored by the continuing lessons coming my way. Patience and giving up control are essential lessons when you become a parent. My first and second born had taught me this, and this baby was reminding me.

Eight days past my due date and I woke up to contractions. It was time to put all of my new tools to good use! I fully experienced the tremendous challenge of labor, and I trusted that the baby knew exactly what to do. As we drove to the hospital in the middle of the night running red lights, I lay on the floor of our minivan and realized that the baby could not wait. I yelled to my husband to let him know I was about to give birth - I had no choice but to push. As we pulled up to emergency room the baby’s head was out. No one believed me and insisted that I sit in a wheelchair. I insisted that I needed to walk into the ER and immediately lay down, and a few seconds later my 3rd daughter was born.

It was a whirlwind process, nothing I could have expected. Yet, I knew it was exactly the way it was supposed to be. I never expected or planned for a perfect birth - I simply wanted to be fully present. I was open and prepared for whatever would unfold, and what came was a great story to tell for years to come.

I understand and respect that there are many ways to have a child. I am surrounded by loved ones that required medical intervention for pregnancy and labor and I am humbled by the people and technology that helped their children come into the world. For me this journey was not just to experience natural birth, but to learn more about myself and what I am capable of doing. Women need to support each other and tell each other about the positive possibilities, not the possible negatives. It’s about discovering a dream and finding others to support us through the process. It is about allowing for whatever occurs along the way and learning from the experience.

I am now more open and aware. This is one of the reasons we named our new little girl Skylar - she is a representation of expansiveness. I am so excited to pass this learning experience to all of my daughters. I feel a responsibility to raise my girls without limitations. I dedicate this journey to all of my children, but especially to my 3rd child, a pregnancy that I lost at 11 weeks. It was because of you that I decided to go deeper into myself and discover a new path. Thank you for pointing out the direction that I needed to go.

During a yoga class last week I attempted to move into a challenging position called pigeon. As I struggled to move my leg into the correct place, my instructor explained that wherever I am is exactly where I am supposed to be. She said there are benefits to where I am now and this is what I need to appreciate. I hear her words, but I still push myself to get my leg flat on the floor. I want to get there now.

I acknowledge that I struggle with appreciating the moment. Sometimes I just want to know what will happen and where I should be instead of experiencing the journey. My whole life I have been a searcher of meaning, but instead of accepting of where I am, I realize I am often searching for signs that it will all be OK. I know that’s not how it works. I know that real life is venturing into the unknown. There is no way to know that everything will be OK and nor should there be. I can look at all the challenging experiences in my life and realize their importance in who I have become. I understand this but I often have a hard time letting go and being “here.”

As a parent I am often challenged to stay in the moment with my girls. Instead of appreciating that my daughter is soothed by her pacifier, I tend to focus my attention on the dentist that warned me about “orthodontic issues” later in life. Instead of accepting that right now my daughters are afraid of monsters, I worry that they will always be fearful and will be unable to cope.

I think about all of the parents that I work with. Some worry about their children’s sleeping patterns because they fear they will be poor sleepers when they are 18. I talk to mothers of infants who worry about their children being bullied in school or whether they will become socially acceptable beings. I tell all of them the same thing I say to myself: The more we stay focused on today, the less we have to worry about the future. If we react to our children based on our fear of what they will become, we cannot truly appreciate who they are right now. Children are in the moment and we need to be there with them.

My oldest daughter was recently allowed to see a movie where the antagonist character had questionable values. She has become intrigued with this character and she spends time pretending to be him. My first thought (or fear) is that this is not OK. Why does she want to be this character? Will she emulate his behavior? Fortunately, my professional instincts quickly kick in and I realize that she is exploring a different side of herself. She is trying out what she has seen to see how it fits. By staying in the moment with her I realize that she is right where she needs to be. She is discovering different choices and parts of the human experience, and I take a deep breath and decide not to allow the fear of what could be or what others think block this process.

My youngest daughter has just turned two and I am noticing the differences between her and her sister. I worry when I realize she doesn’t have as many words or as much desire to play alone. At the same time I note that her maturity and social skills seem stronger. It is then that I realize I need to stay present. I make a point to stand back so I can let her become who she is supposed to be. My concern about what skill she should or shouldn’t have right now does not serve her. My true desire is to let her know that I believe in who she is today and that I will always be here to support her along her journey.

I am brought back to the moment by my yoga teacher who has given me some helpful tools to ease into this challenging position. I am reminded to have intent at the beginning of practice, to breathe, and to have faith that everything is unfolding as it should. As I look around the room I realize I am not alone; others are struggling. I decide to breathe and let my leg be where it wants to be. I feel a wonderful stretch in my hip – a place that really needed to be stretched. I realize that this is what my body needed right now. I appreciate that I am not ready to be in full pigeon position. Right now this is where I am supposed to be.

As a working woman my worth was measured by my productivity. I had places to go and people to see. Completing tasks and reaching goals was the essence of my existence. I had a title, an office, and a purpose. I felt a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day and I felt worthy of my paycheck and my weekends. I knew who I was and I knew that all of my educational and previous work experiences had lead up to this point. I had become who I had set out to be. When I became a mother I had an identity crisis. I had no experience in this job and I was extremely insecure about my day-to-day experiences. Even if I created a task list it was almost impossible to cross things off—time was no longer my own. There was no predictability and no way to measure my productivity. I had stacks of parenting books all over the house and I was constantly calling more experienced mothers to alleviate my daily anxiety. I was a novice—I had started over. At 6:00 p.m. I would often wonder what I did all day. All I knew is that I was living on 5 hours of interrupted sleep and that I had kept my baby alive. Is that really all I had to show for myself?

Even when I was experiencing beautiful moments with my baby my mind would drift to her nap time when I would really get things done. While my baby slept I would accomplish the tasks that I deemed important. I would cross whatever I could off my list. I loved the natural high of getting things accomplished, but like a drug, it was never enough and I always wanted more. It often felt like I was just moving through the time with my baby so I could have more valuable time with my computer and my check list. After all, this is how I had always measured the effectiveness of a day. I began to Read more…

I recently took my daughter to a birthday party and the invitation said to wear a tutu. My daughter decided to wear her butterfly wings instead. When we got to the party she quietly watched as the other girls ran around and chased each other in their tutus. She sat a few seats away as the group began to work on art projects. I wondered if she wished she had a tutu, if she wanted to go home, and simply how I could support her.

Just before cake she told me that she needed to go to the bathroom. Once we closed the door in the bathroom she started to jump up and down and told what a great time she was having. She started naming off all of the little girls in the room and telling me how her whole class was there. Much to my surprise, she was having a wonderful time. As we returned to the room she gathered with the other girls to look at the candles on the cake. For the last 30 minutes of the party she was running, laughing, and enjoying the experience.

Freedom To Choose

Giving your children space to make their own decisions can be challenging and sometimes uncomfortable. I try to focus on what I really want for my daughter—to trust her own instincts and do what feels right for her. I could have told her that she should wear a tutu like all the other girls at the party. I also could have pushed her into interacting with the other children as soon as we got there by saying something like: “All the other kids are playing, why don’t you?” I Read more…

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